What to Know When Dating Each Enneagram Type

When you’re dating, it can be helpful to get to know your potential partner’s personality type. This is where the Enneagram test comes in. The Enneagram is a personality typing system with nine different types. Figuring out your partner’s Enneagram type can give you some insight into their motivations, fears, and tendencies. If you’re thinking about taking the Enneagram test, there are a few things to keep in mind. First of all, the test is not 100% accurate. It should be used as a tool to help you understand yourself and your partner better, not as gospel truth. Secondly, everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum for each type, so there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Finally, it’s important to remember that we all have both good and bad qualities – no one type is entirely good or bad.

Now that you know what to keep in mind when considering your Enneagram type in dating, let’s take a closer look at each of the nine types.

The Enneagram Types And Their Meanings

1 – The Reformer


Self-disciplined, humble, productive, logical.


Hard-headed, anxious, self-critical.

Here's what you need to consider when dating a Reformer: Reformers are usually very principled people with high standards. They are very disciplined and often have a strong work ethic. They are also very analytical and logical, making them great problem-solvers. However, they can also be quite hard-headed and stubborn. They can be quite critical of themselves and others, which can make them seem cold or unapproachable. You might need to reassure them of your love and acceptance to keep them open.

2 – The Helper


Compassionate, generous, loyal, self-aware.


Manipulative, codependent, resentful.

Here's what you need to consider when dating a Helper:

Helpers are very giving people who genuinely want to help others. They are usually very compassionate and generous. You might find yourself asking them for advice or direction – they make great leaders and guides in life. However, they can also be quite manipulative and controlling due to their desire to help others. The key here is recognizing when they’re being helpful versus when they’re being manipulative or controlling – this might require some self-awareness on your part.

3 – The Achiever (AKA the Performer)


Successful achiever, driven, charming, charismatic


Inauthentic show-off phony insecure sensitive fearful of failure

Here's what you need to consider when dating a Performer:

Performers are driven achievers who often achieve success by presenting themselves as the best version of themselves possible -- the best clothes, style choices. They can seem charmingly confident at first glance -- but you may notice that their charm doesn’t seem all that authentic after getting to know them better over time.

4 – The Individualist


Self-reliant, unconventional, independent. Falls back on own resources to meet needs. Pragmatic, realistic and straightforward. Strong drive for self-expression; talent for creative self-expression. Resilient against outside pressures or criticism; unshakable belief in own abilities and talents. Misjudges own abilities (exaggerates talents). Can take pride in accomplishments or skills without feeling a need to show off or show others up. Maybe a loner but not necessarily isolated; can make connections with others without close attachments or allowing people to intrude on personal space when needed (e.g., someone needing a ride home).


Disconnected from the group or community; indifferent to the needs of others (including friends, family and even loved ones); competitive and domineering with those seen as inferior; aloof, arrogant and detached from other people’s feelings toward them; overplays ability (conceals real weaknesses). Individualists can also be manipulative by placing themselves at the center of attention through their loveable personality traits like charm, humor and spontaneity (clownish behavior) with little regard for how others will perceive them in relation to you.

Here's what you need to consider when dating an Individualist:

Ask yourself: Are you being manipulated? Does your partner get what they want by putting on a show? How to respond: Keep your eyes open for manipulative behavior and don’t let it go unnoticed.

5 – The Observer (AKA Investigator or Thinker)


Self-aware; introspective; analytical; objective; independent thinker; insightful; good listener who asks good questions that draw out the best qualities in another person’s ideas or actions without being judgmental. Can be innovative because they don’t limit their options by considering what other people might think about their actions before doing something new or different. Can see all sides of an issue because they don’t judge any point as being any more right than another point. Able to change course after careful consideration without feeling guilty about taking a different route than planned based on new information presented after beginning a project. Able to make decisions based on careful evaluation of pros and cons rather than rushing into decisions impulsively based on gut reactions.


Aloofness; disconnection from other people’s feelings toward them; can be too analytical and miss the bigger picture because they’re so focused on the details. Can overanalyze a decision to the point of paralysis; can be indecisive or unable to make up their mind about an issue because of too much data at once. Can’t make decisions based on gut reactions or feelings; thinks emotions are irrational and only useful for finding out what you really want in terms of long-term goals instead of deciding what you feel like doing in the moment.

Here's what you need to consider when dating an Observer:

Observers can be pragmatic and logical, but they can also be more emotionally distant than other types. If you’re feeling used or taken advantage of by this person, you might think that they don’t care about your feelings because they don’t express them as much as other types do. They may not understand your feelings the same way you do because of their tendency to analyze and overthink everything before acting instead of making decisions based on gut reactions or feelings.You can help an Observer feel closer to you by expressing what motivates you to do things – in other words, talk about your feelings instead of your plans or goals. You may need to talk about how you feel before expecting them to share their thoughts and plans with you so that they know how important it is to you. They’re not bad people if they don’t share their thoughts and plans with you, but it might be helpful to them if you let them know how important it is to you.

6 – The Loyalist


Trustworthy, loyal and honest to a fault. Steadfast and true to their word. Can be counted on for emotional support, even if it means sacrificing time with them for your own needs. If you’re in a relationship with a Loyalist, they will always be there for you when you need them, even if that means putting the needs of the relationship above their own wants or desires (e.g., not taking time off work because they don’t want to leave you alone while they’re gone). Can be counted on to finish what they start (finish what they start; follow-through). Interested in doing the right thing at all times. Can hold back personal feelings and interests because of loyalty; won’t express an opinion if it might upset another person or cause conflict between them and someone else (e.g., telling someone their new haircut makes them look ridiculous). Can be too lenient about letting people get away with lying or breaking promises.


Tendency toward self-sacrifice; submissive; afraid of being unloved if they don’t let others manipulate them. Can feel guilty about making decisions based on personal feelings instead of what other people think is best.

Here's what you need to consider when dating a Loyalist:

They’re a trustworthy and loyal partner, but sometimes this can be taken to an extreme. For example, they might put your needs above their own by putting off things that are important to them (like finishing school or starting their own business) in order to support you. They’ll do anything they can to make you happy, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness.

As long as they know that you value them and appreciate them for who they are (and not just because of what they do or don’t do for you), then they’ll be happy to make sacrifices. If you don’t tell them how much they mean to you or express your appreciation for all the things that they give up on your behalf, then it can lead to resentment or anxiety.If they feel like they’re not appreciated, then the loyalties in your relationship might be tested. If you don’t appreciate the things that they do for you out of loyalty and love, then it can make them feel taken for granted. They could feel like a martyr or victim; like their sacrifices are never appreciated enough. This is why it’s important to let them know how much you appreciate their sacrifices on your behalf – so that they don’t feel taken advantage of or used by you.

7 – The Enthusiast Or Adventurer


Enthusiastic; high energy; spontaneous; energetic; adventurous; risk-taker who follows through on plans despite obstacles and setbacks (won’t let fear stand in their way). Unassuming but can make a good first impression because they are so energetic and enthusiastic that people are naturally drawn to the positive energy they create around themselves. Charming because of the high level of enthusiasm; fun to be around but not necessarily deep conversations or heartfelt connections. Easily attracts admirers who want to follow along behind this charismatic leader as he takes charge in new situations (people naturally want to follow along with his lead) but may not necessarily like him as well as just enjoy his company when he isn’t leading the way


Overly optimistic about how well things will go and may fail to adequately prepare for obstacles or setbacks that could cause problems; spontaneous in a way that can be irresponsible (e.g., jumping into starting a new project without doing the necessary research or preparation first). Can be impulsive; doesn’t think through long-term consequences of their actions before making decisions (e.g., impulsively deciding to take a vacation over the weekend instead of planning an event with friends). Can be opportunistic and manipulative by taking credit for other people’s ideas, plans, actions and creations; not interested in acknowledging other people’s efforts.

Here's what to consider when dating an Enthusiast:

They are a passionate and energetic person who can be very fun to be around. They have a tendency to jump into new situations without doing the necessary preparation first, so you may need to help them think through the details before they start making decisions.

How you can help them: Ask questions about their plans before they make any big decisions; ask for more information about what steps they’ll take next before moving forward with an idea or plan.

How you can hurt them: It will hurt them if you don't ask questions or if you don’t express interest in their ideas, plans, or projects; don’t give feedback on their ideas or plans; don’t follow along when they take charge and lead the way in new situations.

8 – The Challenger Or Boss


Confident; competitive; self-assured; decisive; powerful presence. Able to overcome obstacles with sheer force of will. Takes on challenges even when it seems suicide is more likely than success because they don’t let fear stand in their way. Driven by a desire for power and control over others (tyrannical) as well as a desire to have security and comfort in life (driven by ambition to succeed). Can be counted on when there is work to do because they are driven by ambition and won’t let fear stand in their way of achieving the best possible results no matter how much work it takes or how many sleepless nights they might have while taking care of business. Doesn’t allow any obstacle or setback get them down or slow them down because they know they can overcome anything if they just keep pushing forward until they reach their goals


May not always consider the feelings of others before making decisions; insensitive towards other people who don’t measure up as competition (may underestimate less capable competitors who don’t threaten their position at the top); impatient with others who aren’t driven enough to achieve what he does because he has an internal drive that pushes him forward despite his fears about failure; manipulative by using others fears about losing out on opportunities if someone doesn’t take charge quickly enough

Here's what to consider when dating a Challenger:

The Challenger will often struggle with their self-worth as a result of their constant need to prove themselves to others. They are driven by an internal desire for power and control, and feel the need to be in charge in order to prove that they are enough for others; this is why they often take charge and put themselves forward as a leader even when it’s not necessary. The Challenger’s feelings of insecurity about the strength of their own position can sometimes make them insensitive or inconsiderate towards others who don’t measure up as competition. The Challenger can be impatient with less capable competitors who don’t threaten their position at the top because he has an internal drive that pushes him forward despite his fears about failure; this can result in using tactics like manipulation or intimidation to get people to back down or give up control.

The Challenger has some of the best leadership qualities – they are driven by a desire for power and control in order to prove their self-worth, but also by ambition to succeed no matter how many sleepless nights or personal sacrifices might be required to achieve their goals. The Challenger’s drive and ambition can make them powerful allies, capable of taking on any challenge that comes their way as long as there is work to do because they won’t let fear stand in their way of achieving the best possible results no matter how much work it takes.

Enneagram type 8 is associated with the letter H because it’s a very heady type; an H is what you get when you cross an eight with a four (a four is a practical type that values security and comfort; an eight is driven by ambition and power to prove their strength). The two types are combined to create the idealist whose ego is stronger than their feelings or impulses; they feel like they need to accomplish something important in order to prove their value, but they also have a strong drive to achieve comfort and security in life.

The H-eight thinks big thoughts and dreams big dreams, but also has an intense need for validation that can sometimes result in being very manipulative towards others. They use whatever means necessary to get what they want, even if it means forcing others into situations where the only option is doing what the H-eight wants them to do

9 – The Peacemaker Or Mediator


Easygoing; relaxed; calming energy around them; peaceful and accepting personality type that others can lean on when they are stressed out or need a break from life’s difficulties. Able to diffuse tense situations with a calming presence and an easygoing attitude that helps others relax. Can make even dire circumstances seem easier to handle because they have a knack for taking the edge off problems by being so easygoing. People trust them to help solve problems because of their easy-going nature and because they know that, no matter what happens, the Mediator won’t freak out about it; naturally calm in difficult or stressful situations (won’t let fear stand in their way)


Maybe too easygoing and may not take enough responsibility for making hard choices when someone needs help making decisions; may not consider the feelings of others before making decisions. May be driven by anxiety over feeling anxious or worried about what might happen if they don’t act quickly enough. May become overwhelmed by anxiety if they don’t quickly solve every problem or make every decision without hesitation.

Peacemakers are some of the best people I know.

They’re the ones who are always there for you when you need help making decisions or solving problems, and they don’t ever let their own fears stand in their way.If you’re dating a Peacemaker, keep in mind that they might not take enough responsibility for making hard choices when people need help deciding or solving problems. They might also worry about what might happen if they don’t act quickly enough.


In conclusion, when dating someone, it is good to know their Enneagram type.

Which type do you think your partner is? Are they an Introvert or an Extrovert? What motivates them? What fears drive their decisions? What habits are helpful and which ones are harmful? How does their background influence who they are today? Who were they before you met them, and how has your relationship changed them since then?

In dating, knowing the answers to these questions can help you better understand who your partner is. And knowing who they truly are can help keep things from falling apart if the relationship doesn’t work out.

So why not take a personality test together and find out more about each other’s types together?

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